I can’t help but wait…

I miss my husband, terribly. I speak to him almost every day we talk for hours on end, but I miss being able to see his smile, feel his touch and most importantly just his presence. He’s been deployed 10 months and we have 5 more to go. I appreciate the out pouring of support I receive from friends, family and even strangers, but nothing really takes away the ache in my heart from him not being here. Someone recently told me they admired my strength and appreciated my husband’s courage and his contribution to the safety of our country and I wish I could say those kind words made it all worthwhile (don’t get me wrong I appreciate the sentiment!) but I don’t feel strong at all, shoot I don’t feel worthy of her admiration to tell the truth. No one can understand the fear that clutches my heart when I don’t hear from him by a certain time everyday or how I feel when I wake up every morning and I pick up my Blackberry before I even brush my teeth to see if he’s emailed me. I feel that as long as I see his name in my message list I can breathe a little easier and continue on with my day. I don’t have the luxury of breaking down, being stressed out or depressed..well I do but even if I feel anything I have to hold it all in for the sake of our two year old daughter. What can I say to her when she asks why are you crying? Mommy misses Daddy? Yeah I could, but I know she misses him too, even if she can’t articulate it that well I know it when she cries from frustration and calls out for him. I’ve been trying to be positive as this deployment is almost over and in 5 months (God Willing) he will be right here where he belongs! I am doing my best to focus on that positive and not think about the fact there are already talks of the next deployment for 2009, because if I allow myself to dwell for too long I think I would just fall into a pit of despair and wallow in self pity, but I push on with the knowledge there are so many military wives out there that have done it far longer than I have and they do it with their heads held high sure they may falter ever so often but they never give up and that inspires me; their strength motivates me to continue on and to (not always) patiently wait on his return.

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