A Moment of Clarity

After watching an episode of Bethenny Ever After, taking a bubble bath, and having a convo with the hubs I’ve had an epiphany. Boy what a doozy!  I will try to explain this in a way that is hopefully not confusing or consist of long drawn out ramblings, but I can’t make any promises.

The episode of BEA focused on Bethenny’s 40th birthday and her husband Jason’s desire to throw her a party.  Bethenny, who shares a birthday with her estranged mother, was not really feeling making a big deal of her birthday, because growing up her birthday was never a big deal and it seemed mostly  to remind her how little her father appeared to care. She mentioned several times he never called on her birthday when she was growing up. So as the show went on and it got closer to the big day the more freaked out she got. After a mini-meltdown in the apartment they go to the party and everything is ok for the most part but Bethenny was acting a little skittish. The party starts blah, blah, blah….. Jason makes a speech, presents Bethenny with her gifts…. She freaks because of all of the attention, Jason’s feelings are hurt then Bethenny pulls him away to apologize and make nice. Great recap, right? Anyway while apologizing she explains to him how her birthday always has been for her, how the attention made her uncomfortable, she appreciated his efforts and the gifts, and most importantly that he meant the world to her and she didn’t mean to hurt him or his family. Kiss kiss make-up the end.

This episode got me to thinking about my own birthday and how the last time I had what resembled a party I was 6…. Hell in 3 years I will be 36 so that is a long time to go without having a celebration. I never make a big fuss out of my birthday I think the last 2 years I was more excited about upgrading my Blackberry on or around my birthday than I was about my actual birthday. Soooo I told the hubs today that I’ll be 35 in 2 years, 40 in 7, and I wanted to do something big. I want to either go on a special trip or have a big party.  We chit chat about a few things wonk wonk wonk… and we end up talking about what I want more than anything and of course  (Phaedra voice) everybody knows I want to renew my vows.  When my husband and I got married we went to the JOP and for as long as I can remember I’ve always wanted a wedding. I know the marriage is more important than the wedding and it is! This is just a case of making a little girl’s dream coming true. We have been discussing how and when we can make that happen.  Then the hubs asked a question which lead to my moment of clarity “how bad to you want it?” I thought to myself how can I quantify this feeling for him? There are no words that can adequately convey how much stepping into a beautiful gown and seeing him in a tux would mean to me.

In thinking about all of this I start to ask myself why???? Sure most little girls want to have a wedding and get married and I am not an exception.  I studied  bridal magazines whenever they were around like there would be a quiz later. Nothing made me happier than look at bridal gowns and imagining what mine would one day be like.

So how does this big epiphany come it to play??? It’s quite simple actually….. it has been 27 years since I’ve had a birthday party. Your birthday is the one day of the year that everything should be all about you….. see where I am going with this??? For a woman (who wants to get married that is) in her lifetime her wedding day is the only other day that she gets to be a big deal.  So there you have it… I want my day to be a big freaking deal. I want to put on a pretty dress, walk down an aisle towards my husband, say a few words, take a few pictures, and go home. I don’t want a big affair it can actually just be the two of us… in Vegas or on an island somewhere at sunset, but dammit I want it. It’s crazy to even think about it that I, Ms. I Hate to be the Center of Attention/Stage Fright Sally, want the one thing that would catapult me into the spotlight.  I’m such a walking contradiction!





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