Makes Me Wanna Scream

The self-proclaimed silver lining hunter is in a slump. I try really hard not to throw pity parties, but GAHLEE it is getting more difficult as the months keep passing me by. I have been trying not to think about everything that I think/feel is wrong by telling myself it could always be worse and of course I know this is very true but the pep talks aren’t working. I probably wouldn’t be so frustrated if I was the type to talk my problems over with someone, but emotions especially vulnerability is not my thing. Well that’s not true…. It’s the sharing part that I’d rather not do because in the past when I’ve opened up about how I feel people always try to interpret my feelings and 9 times out 10 their assessment is so far off the mark that I think are we talking to each other right now?!

Part of my frustration is with my unemployment, but I’m sure that’s no surprise and the other is my isolation which I’m sure is a surprise especially since I’m a big ole introvert. People are still trying to help me out with my job search and the Lord knows I know they mean well, but most of the “help” isn’t really helpful and that seems to further bring me down. Being in such a rural area my opportunities are extremely limited; however I am keeping my eyes open and even looking outside of my area of interest. The weight of my unemployment is burdensome. People tell me be patient, it will happen, it’ll be ok, something will come up and they might be right, but it is a different ballgame when you are living it every day.

So what do you do when you are motivated but not really….

How do you tell people I appreciate your concern but ummm you kinda aren’t helping…

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!

Last call for alcohol… I guess I should shut this pity party down *cues Before I Let Go*

This and That..

 kinda really neglected my little space here on the web last year. I didn’t realize just how long it had been since my last post until a few days ago…. so let’s catch up shall we??? 

I didn’t do a whole lot  I mostly read and watched tv. For the last few years I’ve challenged myself to read a certain number of books and I last year was terrible!! I set a low ball goal and I didn’t even meet that hmph! I don’t know why it’s not like I was doing anything, but ehh. I am trying to recall if anything made a lasting impression, but I am drawing a blank right now. What I do know is I am so tired of publishers posting the blurb If you loved Gone Girl…. listen Gone Girl was AWESOME except for that ending, but I won’t even get into THAT!!! 

In early Feb I had my Mirena removed, because it was the only thing I could think of that was causing me to be super emo. I discussed it here a few years ago. I was crying every day…several times a day over the smallest things. I cried when I was happy, sad, indifferent, confused you name it I was crying about it. I started seeing a therapist she suggested I give myself permission to be sensitive and not be embarrassed about my tears, but I was feeling like I was May in The Secret Life of Bees. I won’t go into all of the gory details but finally after 4 years it was removed and the tears dried up in a few days. So you know how they say it might take you awhile to get pregnant after it is removed???? Ummm yeah my eggs didn’t get the memo…we found out we were expecting our third baby around mid-March and I gave birth to our baby girl in November. I NEVER in a million years thought I would have 3 children (get ready for this cliche), but I cannot imagine life without her. She is so sweet and such a happy baby.

Over the summer I binged on the Netflix series Orange is the New Black. I read the book (of course) so I was curious about the series although the writers took a lot of creative license I really enjoyed watching and I cannot wait for season 2. While I am talking about Netflix let’s talk about the greatness that is House of Cards!!! Kevin Spacey is every single thing!!!! I absolutely love the ruthlessness that is Francis J. Underwood!! I started season 1 about 3 weeks ago and I finished season 2 shortly thereafter. I was sitting up in bed on my laptop until 3 a.m. quite a few times because I was so invested. I just had to know what was going to happen next and I was not disappointed. I wish I didn’t have to wait until next year to find out what is going to happen next. At least the new season of Game of Thrones (DIE JOFFREY DIE!) is starting soon to keep my mind occupied. I can’t forget about Ray Donovan… I started watching late in the season but I caught up quickly and will be waiting on that to come back some time this summer as well. Ray Donovan is like Scandal on steroids! LOVED IT!!! So maybe all of this tv is why I didn’t meet my reading goals… don’t judge me! 

 The rest of the summer was spent trying to stay cool especially while waddling around hot a** El Paso and getting my kids ready for school. My daughter started third grade and my son started pre-k at the end of July. Once school was in session it seems like time just flew by before I knew it the baby was here and we were packing up and getting ready to move back to Georgia.

I think that about sums up 2013 and 2014 so far… riveting stuff 

In case anyone is interested in some of the books I read last year…

Crazy Rich Asians  by Kevin Kwan — very interesting read… it was like an Asian soap opera

The Silent Wife by A.S.A Harrison — one of those books that I mentioned was compared to Gone Girl.. umm no. The author passed away last year unfortunately. I think this was her first novel and if I am not mistaken I read she’d been working on it for YEARS

Night Film by Marisha Pessl — I really wanted more from this book I ‘d heard such good things. It was just ok.

Revenge Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger — OMG and I don’t mean that in a nice way either. I didn’t read Devil but I saw the movie and from what I have been told Miranda was worse in the book than the movie and maybe that’s why it was so off for me, but good grief Andi was SO unlikable… maybe it was because I kept picturing Anne Hathaway (I have a love/hate relationship with her) or perhaps it was because she kept obsessing over a character that I think we “saw” 3 maybe 4 times. I should add I have enjoyed everything else that I’ve read by Lauren so I don’t know why this one left me feeling so…

Scarlet (Book 2 The Lunar Chronicles) by Marissa Meyer — YA novel think Red Riding Hood in the year 3000 something. Futuristic and rather awesome. Book 3, Cress, was just released this year and I am #7 in line for it at my library. Can’t wait!

Dead Ever After (final book in the Southern Vampire Series aka Sookie Stackhouse) by Charlaine Harris — HATED IT!!!!!! The only reason I finished the series is because I’d invested so much I felt like I deserved to know how it would end. I kinda feel like Mrs. Harris got tired around book 7. Oh yeah and since I am a glutton for punishment I read the follow up aka where are they now type book that she released later on in the year called After Dead where she wrote little blurbs about every character in the series. Like seriously some characters got one sentence it was like Jane Doe after being mauled by wolves she died. UGH!!! I think Eric was able to get 2 paragraphs, Bill got around the same and Sookie got two pages.

Outside the Lines by Amy Hatvany — Listen I cannot begin to explain the greatness that is Amy Hatvany. After I read her novel Best Kept Secret she had a fan. Amy tackles issues in a very realistic way. I love how she doesn’t feel the need to tie her books up in a neat little bow. She gets that life is messy and often goes totally left. I have 2 more books of hers I want to read. I hope to pick them up soon. 

I should probably stop naming books at this point or I will mess around and review everything I read last year. 

I was just about to hit publish when I received an email from Yahoo about one of my email accounts… this is the second email I’ve gotten from them in a week… my passwords are super random.. I follow the rules upper and lower case letters special characters the freaking works and they are still telling me I need to change my password… I am so over them. I have been slowly transitioning all of my emails to gmail and I think the rest of them are going to end up in that inbox as well. ARGH!!!!

 

    

 

 

 

 

Sigh

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 For the last 16 months or so I’ve been a SAHM and if I had to sum up the experience I don’t think I would describe in a way that would lead anyone to believe I am enjoying myself. I love being able to spend time with the newest addition to our family, BUT I feel so useless at times and mostly ashamed to tell people that I am not working. With the exception of the first year we moved to South Carolina, I’ve worked since I was 15 years old. I feel like I am floundering. I never envisioned myself knee-deep in diapers, constantly folding laundry and loading and unloading the dishwasher day in and day out.  In no way am I trying to diminish or demean other SAHMs I am just referring to my experience. For the moms who choose to stay at home and are pros at managing the house and the kids while making it look a breeze my hat goes off to you.  What you do is admirable and you deserve the utmost respect, me on the other hand, I suck. My sucky-ness could probably be attributed to the fact I’d rather be working. I am always encouraging my friends to look for the silver lining and find the bright side of most situation, but when I think about my period of unemployment all I can think about is I have a Masters degree that I am not using.

So far I have been pretty successful at keeping the jobless blues at bay, but lately when I search for a job and I don’t see anything its hard not to get discouraged.

Funny how things turn out…

One day I was reminiscing and it hit me how I was almost an Army wife to another soldier many many years ago. My high school sweetheart proposed to me when I was 19 years old (just a month before my 20th birthday)…. after he decided to enlist. I was in Statesboro attending Georgia Southern and he was at home working full time and going to school when he decided to join the military. He came to visit me one weekend, told me of his plans and popped the question. I said yes despite feeling it was too soon.

Fast forward a few months…. he was in basic training getting ready to graduate and I of course was still in school. He would call when he could and we wrote each other about every week. With graduation approaching he wanted to know if I would be able to attend and initially I’d hoped to be able to go, but I couldn’t miss that many days of class. He was constantly calling and asking if I was going to come with his parents and I even got a call from one of the officers asking would I be coming and when would we be setting a date for the wedding.

Setting a wedding date was the furthest thing from my mind at that point because like I said I was 20 years old. During one of our weekly phone calls I told him so. When we talked about marriage prior to the engagement we agreed to wait until my senior year to get engaged and planned to get married some time after graduation and to me it seemed he was trying to accelerate those plans. Unfortunately, me being a chronic people pleaser did me no favors in this situation. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I would always put him off, but during this particular conversation he was determined. He pressed me for a timeline and he also wanted to know if I was going to move to where ever he was stationed after graduation. I told him that IF I could find a job I would but I couldn’t see myself following him around with no job and being dependent on him. He said ok, but I knew he was disappointed. About a week later he wrote a letter breaking it off… a day or two after the letter arrived he called apologizing and wanting to make up. A part of me wanted to accept his apology and stay with him, but the other side of me was so relieved!

We continued to write each other and promised to see each other when he came home in August. In the meantime I got to live!! Really live and not worry about anyone but myself. During that first year and a half while I was in college he tried to give me a curfew and screen my friends  from 200 miles away. I was suffocating!  Finally when I saw him in August the thrill was gone… which was actually a good thing because he proposed to some chick 2 months later! LOL!!!

I am not sure why this randomly came to me, but I had to chuckle at the memory, because here I am doing exactly what he wanted me to do with someone else. I guess it was my destiny to be an Army wife after all just not his….

Pleasantly Surprised

Most of my friends know  I have moments when I am social and others when I am perfectly content staying at home. I am not the best at small talk and being in situations where I don’t anyone can be difficult. I can’t really explain it… there are times when I meet people and I can talk to them like they are old friends and others where I am struggling to think of things to keep the conversation going.

Last week the hubs told me his coworker and wife were having a baby shower and he told him we would attend.  As the day approached I was feeling a bit iffy about going to such a special gathering and not knowing anyone.  We walked in and all of the ladies were very friendly so my initial uneasiness quickly melted away. The lady sitting next to me was super chatty and friendly so being in the group wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought. We played a few games and ate a TON of great food! The mom to be is from Panama and dad is from Jamaica so there were all sorts of goodies… unfortunately or maybe fortunately I was wearing some shape wear so it was impossible to overeat! LOL!

I definitely enjoyed myself and I am glad that I decided to go… maybe the Semi-Social Butterfly is coming out of  her shell.

Time flies when you’re having fun…

So I wrote this last week and forgot to post it… since a little birdie told me I haven’t blogged in a long time I thought I would publish this draft. I should also say umm… ma’am you haven’t blogged either…

Last week The Girl and the Hubs both had birthdays and since it was a holiday weekend he was able to fly home to spend a little time with us. Of course the kids were ecstatic to see their dad and I was not short on smiles either!

The weekend seemed to be a nonstop flurry of activity, but in reality we didn’t do a whole lot. Saturday we took family pictures which is something we haven’t done since the boy was 2 months old and now he’s two and a half! I must say the pictures turned out quite well and I was so glad that the kids cooperated long enough for us to get some great shots.

Later that evening we went out for dinner at this little Hibachi restaurant not far from where we live. We thought the kids would get a kick out of seeing their food cooked in front of them and we were right. After dinner we had to rush home so a certain someone could watch the UGA game… I won’t even comment on the outcome.

Sunday was a pretty lazy day until late in the afternoon when we decided to take the kids to the park and to Baskin Robbins for ice cream!  After we got home it seemed  as if the evening began to progress at the speed of light because before I knew it, it was time for bed.

Monday morning was upon us before we knew what hit us and soon we were on the road to take the hubs back to the airport. This was the first time the kids have gone with me to drop him off so needless to say it wasn’t a pretty picture. The Boy cried in spurts and The Girl silently cried into her tissue. At one point while we were driving she turned to look out the back window and was reaching back towards the airport. She nearly broke my heart. I was acutely aware of her pain because at that age too I was a daddy’s girl. My daddy was larger than life and something like a super hero who I loved to be around and I definitely see that in her. Eventually she calmed down and was pretty much back to normal, you know talking me to death!

This week is the halfway mark in the hubs training class so we have 9 more weeks to go… I hope and pray they go fast!