I have difficulty expressing my emotions verbally…. This may come as a surprise to those who know me or maybe not. I have been affectionately dubbed “The Card Lady” by my girlfriend D because of my uncanny ability to find just the right card for every occasion. I love cards quite simply because they usually are able to convey whatever emotion I am feeling at the time perfectly without me having to say the words out loud. I am not sure at what point in my life emotions became such a big scary thing for me, perhaps they have always been… just like my fear of public speaking.
Talking about how I feel makes me self-conscious and usually I tend to act all weird and clam up. I’ve been blessed with a great bunch of girlfriends and sorors all of whom are able to express themselves so beautifully and it is something I envy. Take my newest twin/soulmate/soror Charm I just think she is awesome-sauce and every time we chat when we get off the phone she tells me “love you B-Rabbit.” Now some would think it would be the easiest thing in the world for me to say love you too Charmeezy cause I do, buuuuuuuuuuut saying I love you makes me all crazy and uneasy. Yes, people I know I am lightweight insane. Does this stem from growing up in a household where I don’t remember hearing it often or at all? Perhaps… or it could be a hang up that I acquired all on my own.
Let’s add some more strangeness to the pot shall we? Now while I don’t like talking about my feelings and whatnot I am a HUGE crier and when I say huge I mean huge. Television shows, commercials, certain gospel songs, proposals, sappy movies….hell even happy movies make me cry. Recently, I was watching Coming Home on Lifetime and there was one particular story that touched me, and as I watched tears silently streamed down my face. The hubs was on the other couch watching too soooo I was also trying to wipe them on my t-shirt hoping he wouldn’t see, but wouldn’t you know it he caught me. BUSTED!!!!! He looks over at me and says “Are you crying?! You are such an emotional wreck.” He gets such joy from teasing me.
Lately the crying has been a tad bit more than normal. I cry a lot, but never much as I have been in the past couple months maybe even the past year. This is starting to freak me out. I have no idea where it’s coming from and I would very much like for it to stop, because people are going to think I am a nutcase. I saw a really cute youtube video one day…cried. Heard a song on the radio I liked…cried. Heard some really good news….you guess it. Now the way I am describing it may sound to you just like the way I said I normally am, but these mutant tears are on another level. I mean if I was an actress I could probably cry my ass off right now for a scene with no prompting/help/artificial tears, because these bad boys come with absolutely no warning. It is driving me insane!!!!!
I mentioned it to my primary physician a few months ago and she simply said she didn’t think I needed a prescription and that was about it. Well I saw her again today and I asked her if she would check my hormone levels since I am still a crybaby. Thankfully she said yes, so hopefully I will have my results soon and I can go from there. The only downside to this is, if it’s not my birth control making me cry like my name is John Boehner or Jim Bakker then I don’t know what the heck I am going to do!