Makes Me Wanna Scream

The self-proclaimed silver lining hunter is in a slump. I try really hard not to throw pity parties, but GAHLEE it is getting more difficult as the months keep passing me by. I have been trying not to think about everything that I think/feel is wrong by telling myself it could always be worse and of course I know this is very true but the pep talks aren’t working. I probably wouldn’t be so frustrated if I was the type to talk my problems over with someone, but emotions especially vulnerability is not my thing. Well that’s not true…. It’s the sharing part that I’d rather not do because in the past when I’ve opened up about how I feel people always try to interpret my feelings and 9 times out 10 their assessment is so far off the mark that I think are we talking to each other right now?!

Part of my frustration is with my unemployment, but I’m sure that’s no surprise and the other is my isolation which I’m sure is a surprise especially since I’m a big ole introvert. People are still trying to help me out with my job search and the Lord knows I know they mean well, but most of the “help” isn’t really helpful and that seems to further bring me down. Being in such a rural area my opportunities are extremely limited; however I am keeping my eyes open and even looking outside of my area of interest. The weight of my unemployment is burdensome. People tell me be patient, it will happen, it’ll be ok, something will come up and they might be right, but it is a different ballgame when you are living it every day.

So what do you do when you are motivated but not really….

How do you tell people I appreciate your concern but ummm you kinda aren’t helping…

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!

Last call for alcohol… I guess I should shut this pity party down *cues Before I Let Go*

The worst

Have you ever known someone who seems to be determined to think the worst of you? Like no matter what you say if there’s a possibility that you could be teetering on the line of being a jerk this person on going to believe you are a full on a-hole. Recently I thought of a friend from high school and the demise of our friendship a few years later…. I guess I probably should have seen it coming, but I guess I was rocking my rose colored glasses when it came to her.

We met over the summer while working at McDonald’s and become fast friends. She would drive me home after work if we closed together, because I didn’t have a license yet and we hung out a lot on our off days. I remember riding in her car, music up loud, and singing Zhane’ or Adina Howard at the top of our lungs. We had so much fun that summer. When school started in the fall her senior and my junior year the rising sophomores joined us at the high school. I got to see a lot of my friends from junior high and the seniors were able to meet some of these people for the first time. My friend, let’s just call her Lisa, met one of my friends (and former boyfriend for a short time) who we will call Trent. Lisa had a huge crush on Trent she talked about him all the time. A few months into the year Trent started dating my cousin….. It’s a small town what can I say… Lisa was upset with me, because Trent and my cousin were dating and she swore I set them up. I tried to tell her I didn’t, but no matter what I said she wholeheartedly believed I had a hand in them getting together.

Eventually she got over it and we continued to hang out until she graduated. When I started considering colleges she drove home, picked me up and took me on a tour of campus. I ended up going to school somewhere else and we lost touch, but several years later she looked me up when we were both living in Atlanta. We chatted for a few minutes and we didn’t speak again until we ran into each other in our hometown…. I was happy to see her, but she wasn’t quite as enthused about running into me. In fact she basically bit my head off about the last time we spoke because she said I was very “dry” when she called. Now I will say I did look at the phone a little longer than normal because I didn’t recognize the name on the caller ID, but once she told me who she was I was genuinely glad to hear from her. 

I haven’t seen Lisa since that day and to be honest I haven’t thought about her much, but she does cross my mind from time to time. It bugged me for a long time that she thought so poorly of me, but what can you do?

Quirky and a little petty…at least I’m honest

So I think I might be a hashtag snob…I’ve noticed if I don’t like/agree with people’s hashtags I won’t like their pics… for example #myfriendsarebetterthanyours umm who said? Is that petty? Possibly, but hey I just can’t support your feelings of superiority… LOL!!!

Know what else drives me bananas? People who claim to want something so bad and when they get it…it’s not what they expected and they complain about it ALL the damn time!!! Got your dream car, but the gas mileage is crappy. Got that job at your dream company making the money you deserve, but your boss is an idiot who doesn’t know jack sh*t. I have a hard time feeling empathetic when you complain every day about your six figure job that sucks and your Maserati only getting 12 miles to the gallon. *insert eyeroll here* LOL!! I know my friend Jenny is silently high-fiving me right now…. Didn’t you people ever hear be careful what you wish for?!

It’s All About Perspective

I am a big ol’ introvert. Social gatherings tend to drain me and I avoid them if I can, but I have two coming up that cannot be missed. This is going to be interesting to say the least. Coming up first we are going to the beach with my in-laws 6 adults and 6 children then the following weekend we are going to a reunion with my side of the family and I don’t even have a head count on that one. It usually takes me a few days after attending an event/gathering to recharge and just feel “normal” again and I suspect after two weekends of back to back activities I am going to be about as useful as a wet piece of notebook paper.

The prospect of getting away is exciting and I know the kids are going to have a blast, but I am just wondering how to deal and keep myself from shutting down because of over-stimulation…. seeing that written out is so first world problem-ish here I am worried about how to handle being on vacation when some people would kill to go on a vacation… I guess that kind of puts it in perspective, but I know myself so this feels like a hot mess waiting to happen. I am going to do my best to follow my own advice and find the silver lining and try to enjoy myself. Let us pray….LOL!!!

Sew what!

I keep saying I think I’d like to learn to sew and I’d really like to give it a try but I’m not very crafty at all so I’m afraid to dive in. 

My grandmother, Daisy, was a BEAST on the sewing machine! I absolutely loved  when she would make my Easter dresses. I also had a red cape with a hood and white lining she made for me that I cherished you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t Little Red Riding Hood when I wore it.

I found a lady via Pinterest,  Mimi G., who makes absolutely beautiful clothing. She has some amazing stuff on her blog. While I was on peeping around on her blog I saw her learn to section and I felt inspired BUT she said it took her about 9 years to get really good… So Ummmm….. I almost positive I have ADD so as much as I’d love to learn I’m afraid if takes that long it will probably be over before I could ever get started. A sewing machine is too expensive to abandon but I guess I could sell it on eBay… LOL!! Terrible… I know.

I need something to occupy my time while on the job hunt so this might be just the thing I need. Stay tuned….

This and That..

I  kinda really neglected my little space here on the web last year. I didn’t realize just how long it had been since my last post until a few days ago…. so let’s catch up shall we??? 

I didn’t do a whole lot  I mostly read and watched tv. For the last few years I’ve challenged myself to read a certain number of books and I last year was terrible!! I set a low ball goal and I didn’t even meet that hmph! I don’t know why it’s not like I was doing anything, but ehh. I am trying to recall if anything made a lasting impression, but I am drawing a blank right now. What I do know is I am so tired of publishers posting the blurb If you loved Gone Girl…. listen Gone Girl was AWESOME except for that ending, but I won’t even get into THAT!!! 

In early Feb I had my Mirena removed, because it was the only thing I could think of that was causing me to be super emo. I discussed it here a few years ago. I was crying every day…several times a day over the smallest things. I cried when I was happy, sad, indifferent, confused you name it I was crying about it. I started seeing a therapist she suggested I give myself permission to be sensitive and not be embarrassed about my tears, but I was feeling like I was May in The Secret Life of Bees. I won’t go into all of the gory details but finally after 4 years it was removed and the tears dried up in a few days. So you know how they say it might take you awhile to get pregnant after it is removed???? Ummm yeah my eggs didn’t get the memo…we found out we were expecting our third baby around mid-March and I gave birth to our baby girl in November. I NEVER in a million years thought I would have 3 children (get ready for this cliche), but I cannot imagine life without her. She is so sweet and such a happy baby.

Over the summer I binged on the Netflix series Orange is the New Black. I read the book (of course) so I was curious about the series although the writers took a lot of creative license I really enjoyed watching and I cannot wait for season 2. While I am talking about Netflix let’s talk about the greatness that is House of Cards!!! Kevin Spacey is every single thing!!!! I absolutely love the ruthlessness that is Francis J. Underwood!! I started season 1 about 3 weeks ago and I finished season 2 shortly thereafter. I was sitting up in bed on my laptop until 3 a.m. quite a few times because I was so invested. I just had to know what was going to happen next and I was not disappointed. I wish I didn’t have to wait until next year to find out what is going to happen next. At least the new season of Game of Thrones (DIE JOFFREY DIE!) is starting soon to keep my mind occupied. I can’t forget about Ray Donovan… I started watching late in the season but I caught up quickly and will be waiting on that to come back some time this summer as well. Ray Donovan is like Scandal on steroids! LOVED IT!!! So maybe all of this tv is why I didn’t meet my reading goals… don’t judge me! 

 The rest of the summer was spent trying to stay cool especially while waddling around hot a** El Paso and getting my kids ready for school. My daughter started third grade and my son started pre-k at the end of July. Once school was in session it seems like time just flew by before I knew it the baby was here and we were packing up and getting ready to move back to Georgia.

I think that about sums up 2013 and 2014 so far… riveting stuff 

In case anyone is interested in some of the books I read last year…

Crazy Rich Asians  by Kevin Kwan — very interesting read… it was like an Asian soap opera

The Silent Wife by A.S.A Harrison — one of those books that I mentioned was compared to Gone Girl.. umm no. The author passed away last year unfortunately. I think this was her first novel and if I am not mistaken I read she’d been working on it for YEARS

Night Film by Marisha Pessl — I really wanted more from this book I ‘d heard such good things. It was just ok.

Revenge Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger — OMG and I don’t mean that in a nice way either. I didn’t read Devil but I saw the movie and from what I have been told Miranda was worse in the book than the movie and maybe that’s why it was so off for me, but good grief Andi was SO unlikable… maybe it was because I kept picturing Anne Hathaway (I have a love/hate relationship with her) or perhaps it was because she kept obsessing over a character that I think we “saw” 3 maybe 4 times. I should add I have enjoyed everything else that I’ve read by Lauren so I don’t know why this one left me feeling so…

Scarlet (Book 2 The Lunar Chronicles) by Marissa Meyer — YA novel think Red Riding Hood in the year 3000 something. Futuristic and rather awesome. Book 3, Cress, was just released this year and I am #7 in line for it at my library. Can’t wait!

Dead Ever After (final book in the Southern Vampire Series aka Sookie Stackhouse) by Charlaine Harris — HATED IT!!!!!! The only reason I finished the series is because I’d invested so much I felt like I deserved to know how it would end. I kinda feel like Mrs. Harris got tired around book 7. Oh yeah and since I am a glutton for punishment I read the follow up aka where are they now type book that she released later on in the year called After Dead where she wrote little blurbs about every character in the series. Like seriously some characters got one sentence it was like Jane Doe after being mauled by wolves she died. UGH!!! I think Eric was able to get 2 paragraphs, Bill got around the same and Sookie got two pages.

Outside the Lines by Amy Hatvany — Listen I cannot begin to explain the greatness that is Amy Hatvany. After I read her novel Best Kept Secret she had a fan. Amy tackles issues in a very realistic way. I love how she doesn’t feel the need to tie her books up in a neat little bow. She gets that life is messy and often goes totally left. I have 2 more books of hers I want to read. I hope to pick them up soon. 

I should probably stop naming books at this point or I will mess around and review everything I read last year. 

I was just about to hit publish when I received an email from Yahoo about one of my email accounts… this is the second email I’ve gotten from them in a week… my passwords are super random.. I follow the rules upper and lower case letters special characters the freaking works and they are still telling me I need to change my password… I am so over them. I have been slowly transitioning all of my emails to gmail and I think the rest of them are going to end up in that inbox as well. ARGH!!!!

 

    

 

 

 

 

Hair today

I am beginning to think there is more of my hair on the bathroom floor than my head. My hair is shedding like CRAZY and I am so tempted to cut it off completely… like off off… So short I have the same amount of hair as Aidan short. I’m trying not to be rash since I know the extra (excessive) shedding is more than likely connected to the fact I gave birth four months ago. Right now I’m just thinking of it as a trade… My hair for my sweet baby girl. In the meantime, I’m trying my best not to stress about it. It’s only hair right? Besides if my Pinterest beauty board is any indication of what I want then there’s a haircut in my future.

I started to let my hair grow out while we were still in El Paso because my stylist took leave to have rotator cuff surgery and shortly after her husband got orders and they moved back east. After all I went through to find her I decided I wasn’t up to chair hopping again so I kinda just let it be. If I  wanted a trim I’d just pop over to SuperCuts.

I’m rambling…. Please forgive my bald headed musings… This is what staying up late to watch Jimmy Fallon and getting up early to get the kids ready for school does to me.

Sigh

 For the last 16 months or so I’ve been a SAHM and if I had to sum up the experience I don’t think I would describe in a way that would lead anyone to believe I am enjoying myself. I love being able to spend time with the newest addition to our family, BUT I feel so useless at times and mostly ashamed to tell people that I am not working. With the exception of the first year we moved to South Carolina, I’ve worked since I was 15 years old. I feel like I am floundering. I never envisioned myself knee-deep in diapers, constantly folding laundry and loading and unloading the dishwasher day in and day out.  In no way am I trying to diminish or demean other SAHMs I am just referring to my experience. For the moms who choose to stay at home and are pros at managing the house and the kids while making it look a breeze my hat goes off to you.  What you do is admirable and you deserve the utmost respect, me on the other hand, I suck. My sucky-ness could probably be attributed to the fact I’d rather be working. I am always encouraging my friends to look for the silver lining and find the bright side of most situation, but when I think about my period of unemployment all I can think about is I have a Masters degree that I am not using.

So far I have been pretty successful at keeping the jobless blues at bay, but lately when I search for a job and I don’t see anything its hard not to get discouraged.

Question

Can you forgive someone who has wronged you,  but never apologized? If so do you forgive them in your heart and mind and move on or is it necessary to let them know you no longer hold a grudge?

So Happy to Have Known You….

Cryssy,

Happy Birthday My Dear Soror. I’d like to think you are in Heaven celebrating just as I know you would be on Earth. You’re probably playing 2 Chainz Birthday Song for all the other angels. LOL!!

I hope you know how much you are missed. Your sense of humor was THE best. You kept me laughing. Ever the comedian and the best part was that you weren’t even trying to be funny you were just being you!

There’s so much I want to say, but if I keep going I’m going to be a crying mess and I’d much rather remember you today with a smile because I know that’s what you’d want.  I thank God for the opportunity to know you and I thank you for your friendship.

Happy Birthday Cryssy-Pop! Love you!

Bran