So Happy to Have Known You….

Cryssy,

Happy Birthday My Dear Soror. I’d like to think you are in Heaven celebrating just as I know you would be on Earth. You’re probably playing 2 Chainz Birthday Song for all the other angels. LOL!!

I hope you know how much you are missed. Your sense of humor was THE best. You kept me laughing. Ever the comedian and the best part was that you weren’t even trying to be funny you were just being you!

There’s so much I want to say, but if I keep going I’m going to be a crying mess and I’d much rather remember you today with a smile because I know that’s what you’d want.  I thank God for the opportunity to know you and I thank you for your friendship.

Happy Birthday Cryssy-Pop! Love you!

Bran

Dear Eddie…

Its hard to believe that you’ve been gone for so long. I don’t think of you as often, but there are times that a random memory will pop out of no where and all I can do is smile. I often wish I could turn back time thinking that if I’d done things differently I could have saved you, but of course that’s impossible. There were so many things I wanted to ask you. We had so many things we were supposed to do, but I guess this life was just too much for you.

I wish I’d been a better friend to you. I wish you trusted me enough to share your pain. Your death was a heavy load for me. I felt like if only I visited you I could have changed the outcome of that weekend. It took me a long time to stop feeling like your death was my fault although I must admit there are some days I ask myself how life would have turned out for you if I’d just come to town.

I hope that you didn’t die without knowing how much you meant to me as a friend and that I loved you very much.

New Beginnings

I’ve never been one to make a list of things that I resolve to do for the new year.  I’m not really sure why I never have and so far I still have no desire.  Last year I thought of one, but I forgot it before the ball even dropped! I blame my memory loss on the kids.

  Just a few days ago  I had a chat with my girlfriend who shared with me how she’d left behind a few friends before the beginning of the year and how liberated and more importantly less stressed she felt.  This got me to thinking… should I follow suit and start to drop the dead weight in my life? Am I holding on for the sake of the friendship or is this another case of me being too damn nice and allowing people who have no place in my life….. in my life??

In a way I am sort of like the character May from The Secret Life of Bees. I internalize a lot, but unlike May I do not have my own personal wailing wall so all of these feelings have no where to go. Too much negativity overwhelms and ultimately stresses me out. Am I positive 100% of the time? Hell no! Are there times that I am negative? Absodamnlutely, but there is a limit. Once I reach that threshold I slap on my happy face or I will retreat until I get myself together otherwise I will feel like crap for letting it get that far.  I know how to filter myself, but I don’t know how to deal with the people around me who go in on a regular basis. Ultimately I am only responsible for my behavior and I should focus on that for sure, and when everyone else gets out of hand, or in my mind out of hand I’ll just take a step back and breathe.

Guess I should sign off with some cliche’d statement about the new year, but ehh I don’t feel like it.

Where is the off switch?

For as long as I can remember I have internalized my friends’ problems, issues, pain, etc. I can’t help the feeling of wanting to fix whatever is wrong  and make everything better.

 I worry about them when they are sick. I check on them while they are on road trips. I guess this wouldn’t be so bad if I had only 1 or 2 friends.  I love people so I tend to meet and make friends and acquaintences every where so my motherly behavior often extends to them as well.

I value my compassionate nature; however sometimes it is stressful for me when the friend I am worrying about seems to be less concerned with their life/issues than I am. 

Once upon a  time I had an interest in nursing and mental health and while neither are my field I still place a lot of stock in being physically, mentally and emotionally well.

Unfortunately, for me the people I find myself worrying and stressing myself over seem to not care as much OR do not realize they keep repeating the same hurtful behavior.  Lately my dilemma has been how do I stop feeling as if I care more about their well-being than they do? I know it may very well be my perception of the situation but when I find myself getting worked up over something constantly then I have a problem.  

I’ve recently started to wonder how do I stop caring so much? How can I just stop doing the thing that I’ve done all my life? It can’t be healthy for me to fret over things which I have no control so I really need to fiind a way to lighten up.

Do friendships have an expiration date?

Twitter is my guilty pleasure/daily entertainment/unofficial news source; however every now and then someone posts something that makes me stop and think.  Today that person was none other than Terry McMillan. She was tweeting about friends/friendships and she stated the friends we make in college would be life-long friends because it is harder to build friendships in our 30s-50s since by this time you have already established your circle, and friends you made in high school you tend to outgrow.

I’ve been thinking about my relationships with old and not so old friends lately and while I believe there is certainly some truth to her statements when it comes to me they aren’t 100% accurate.

My oldest and dearest friend I met when I was 7 years old and in the second grade. Since the day we became friends we weren’t apart much until I moved to Atlanta in 2001. She’s now married with two children. Granted we don’t speak as often as we did when we were younger, single and childless, but I still consider her to be a good friend. Sometimes it seems bittersweet that the person who was once like my right hand I now only speak to once every two weeks or so when we are in the car driving home from work because once we cross the threshold of our homes life comes at you 100 mph and between making dinner and yelling at kids you really don’t have time to talk.

I made quite a few friends in college, but we don’t speak on a regular basis anymore. If it wasn’t for Facebook I probably wouldn’t speak to them at all.  There was a time in my life that I tried my best to keep in touch with my friends, but it’s a two way street and its difficult to think you are barely a blip on the radar to a person you considered a true friend.

Although at times I am extremely introverted there is a part of me that LOVES people. When I am in that mood there is nothing more I’d rather do than spend a few hours laughing and talking with a good girlfriend, but what do you do when that familiar friend isn’t available? I have been blessed to be a member of a sorority which allows me to make connections with women I wouldn’t have otherwise met BUT being a military wife and moving to a new location every few years makes even that somewhat difficult.

Well that’s enough deep thought for me today… kudos to Ms. McMillan for making me think today!

Ohh to be young and dumb… my misadventure as a hitchhiking college freshman

While participating in one of the many Facebook tags/notes I was reminded of something dumb I did my freshman year and college. The choice I made that day was beyond idiotic and all I can do is shake my head and laugh at how stupid my actions were that day…

My senior year in high school my dad bought me my first car. It was a 1985 VW  Jetta which me and my friends affectionately referred to as the Jet-Dawg. When I left for college of course the JD went with me. One weekend my BFF Tasha and I decided to go home for the weekend and we invited our new friend Hope to tag along with us.  Somewhere midway between Statesboro and Tifton we had a blow out.  We had no idea how to use the jack that was in my trunk, and no it wasn’t the regular jack that normal people have…. anyway this was before any of us had a cell phone so we decided to walk to the next town so we could call our parents and have them pick us up.  As we begin walking a man driving a tractor trailer pulled up beside us and offered us a ride.  The three of us stood on the side of the rode and contemplated taking the ride from the truck driver and finally I said what the heck so the three of us piled into the cab. Hope sat in back on the bed and Tasha and I squished ourselves together in the front passenger seat.  I remember looking back at Hope and she made a head motion for me to look and we see porn on the floor in front of the bed and both of our eyes getting really wide thinking what the hell have we done??

Luckily for us the truck driver was not a raving lunatic and nothing more than a Good Samaritan willing to help 3 clueless teens.  He dropped us off in the next town , we called our parents and the rest is history.  I will add as a result of this incident I did get my first cell phone.

How muscular are your thighs??

*Another myspace post*


A few years ago I drove down to Statesboro visit my girlfriend, her new beau, a most importantly an old “friend” of mine. My girlfriend *Keisha was all excited about her new boo and telling me what a great guy he was and how she wanted all of her friends to meet him. I had a few days off so I was like what the hell…
The first day we all hung out, feasted on crablegs that *Mike bought for us. Afterwards we drove down to Savannah to take in a movie….

The next day Mike kept giving me strange looks but I thought perhaps I was being paranoid so I just brushed it off…sometime around mid-afternoon Mike asks me to go to the store with him so he can show me this gift he was thinking of purchasing for Keisha. I promptly told him no. Then Mike gets my friend involved by telling her to ask me to go so I could see this “gift” for her.(very) Reluctantly I get into the car with Mike and we head on down to the Mall (otherwise known as the Small to all former GSU students). Anyway Mike steers me toward the jewelry store and takes me up to the counter and tells the sales lady to show me the ring he was looking at earlier. She looks up in surprise and says “You’re going to show it to her?” He responds “Yes, I want to see if she likes it or not.”

Perhaps I’m a little crazy but that conversation made me really uncomfortable. The sales lady rushes back to the counter with this ring and hands it to me. I held it between my thumb and index finger and I say “Hmm that’s nice.” and I attempt to put it back on the counter. They both then tell me to try it on!!! My hands were trembling at this point and Mike wraps his arm around my waist (WTF!) I put the ring on held my hand up and quickly removed it. I slid away from Mike while he and the saleswoman discussed the price of the ring. He tells her he will be back and we leave.

Mike tells me in the car he was going to order the ring in platinum for Keisha and it should be back soon…. I was quiet for the ride back to Keisha’s apartment. As soon as we got back I hopped in my car and drove to Sonic for a milkshake and to clear my head.

I went back to Keisha’s apartment and she was there alone, Mike left to go run errands. Keisha and I sat around, watched tv and caught up on the latest….during this time hours began to pass and Mike was not back in Keisha’s car..so needless to say Keisha was pissed. They began to bicker back and forth on the phone. I hate confrontation so I decided to take another drive. When I got back Keisha was still alone and considerably more calm.

Mike finally showed up..only to change clothes and go out again. It got late so Keisha went to bed and I was bunking on the couch. I was attempting to get some rest because I was making the drive back to Atlanta the next day.
I woke up suddenly feeling like someone was watching me… I looked over to the love seat and there was Mike and his friend sitting in the dark staring… they both got up at that point and Mike tells me he is about to take his boy home.
I fell asleep almost instantly. Again I am awakened, this time to Mike standing over me tugging at my blanket. I started kicking frantically he backed away and went down the hall towards the bedroom. My heart was pounding and I was thinking to myself what in the hell just happened? Somehow I managed to fall asleep again (stupid I know) only this time to wake up and find Mike standing over me again squeezing my thigh through the covers… when I catch him he says “I was trying to see how muscular your thighs were.”

At this point I am scare sh*tless! I mean my girlfriend is right down the hall in her bed and her man keeps stalking me on the couch. For some reason I still don’t understand I fell asleep again!!! The next time I wake up it was 6:30 a.m. ever so quietly I get up, get dressed and write my friend a note telling her thanks and I’ll call her soon. Just as I am trying to sneak out this fool calls my name from the back room!!! Asking me if I would like to go to the International House of Pancakes…. since when do people call IHOP by it’s whole name…but whatever… I ignored him…he calls out again and I say no… all this racket wakes my friend and she comes and sees me out.

I was so freaked out by this dude I made it back to my apartment in no time! I crawled in my bed and slept for the rest of the day!